33: Jamie’s Exit Interview

If I wish to be an effective middle grade fiction writer, I’d better make sure my characters sound believable and entertaining. Kids can honestly read through “baloney” better than adults, but they also have attention spans of caffeinated gnats. That’s why I’m going to try a little exercise: an exit interview between Bruce, the lead Dreamweaver, and Jamie, after the climactic scene in The City of Scares, aka book 1. I’m going to do my best to limit giving away too much in the story since it will OBVIOUSLY be on the NYT Best Sellers list.

Bruce (looking down at a piece of paper): Sit down. Let’s get this over with. 

Jamie says nothing, just stares at Bruce

Bruce: Listen, we gotta do this exit interview. The Controller expects data or something. 

Jamie: Fine.

Bruce (shuffling the single piece of paper as if it was a mountain of sheets): First question: Why did you decide to leave the company?

Jamie: Uh…I haven’t decided to leave; in fact, I literally told you just a few minutes ago I was sticking around.

Bruce (scribbling answer down on paper): Good, good. Next question: did you get along with your direct manager? 

Jamie: Which one? You? Miss Berry? Bruce, did you just pull these questions from an internet search?

Bruce: No, I got them from the Googles. Stop looking at me like I ate rocks, you little sh-sh-shoelace! Just answer the stupid question!

Jamie: Okay, well one manager is my stuck up English teacher, so that’s fun. The other guy tries to curse at me but can’t. I guess I’d say I struggle with these “managers.”

Bruce: You turd. Question three: Did you think your responsibilities for this mission were clear? Did you know what was expected of you?

Jamie: You’ve got to be kidding me. They were as clear as concrete. I got shoved into an abandoned hospital knowing nothing about nothing. Half way through you tell me to find a black orb and then you’d help me. That’s called blackmail in the Awakeworld, by the way.

Bruce: Exactly. That’s why I did it. Question four: did you receive enough training? (Looks at Jamie, who’s wide eyed and slack-jawed). That would be a no. Question five: What did you like about your work? Was it rewarding, challenging, or too easy?

Jamie: I did like working with Luna. Mousie was ok…eventually. So I mostly liked my team. I don’t know about rewarding. Do I get rewards here?

Bruce: No.

Jamie: Figured. As for challenging, I nearly died multiple times. I was poisoned, sabotaged, dropped, bitten, and repeatedly slapped and smacked. So, yeah, it was challenging.

Bruce: Excellent. You don’t get paid for being a pansy. Oh, wait, you don’t get paid. Question five: What are the risks associated with your employment? Skip. Would you ever consider working here again? Pass. Did you receive frequent, constructive feedback from your manager? Skip.

Jamie: No, I’d love to answer that question.

Bruce: I said SKIP. Ok, let’s do this last one. What would make this a better place to work?

Jamie: Less chance of death.

Bruce: Anything else?

Jamie: Free cookies?

Bruce: I’ll just tell The Controller that you’ve overall been very pleased with your role. 

Jamie: But that’s not true–

Bruce: Shut it, kid. Now go home.